What do you do when you love so hard and deep,
What do you say when you have a pressure in your chest that doesn’t leave,
Doesn’t budge, try as you might, doesn’t release no matter how many deep breaths you take,
Where do u go to mend your broken heart,
How do you resuscitate yourself when your heart stops beating?
You try as you might to keep moving, to keep going, stay focused on what’s important.
And you do, you delude yourself into thinking you are making progress, have reached the end of the pain and maybe everything is alright in the world again.
Suddenly, you are blindsided. The pain, you thought you left behind hits you like a stray basketball headed for the net which hits your head and in those first few seconds you are stunned, speechless. Then the pain begins all over, from the head radiating throughout your body aching in places you didn’t even realize you had.
Hey, I’ve lost my train of thought. Was I talking about pain or basketball?
If you are like me, you like to fixate on the pain in those first crucial minutes. You dress it up, feed it, clothe it and care for it and ensure its survival because you may have deluded yourself into thinking you probably didn’t care as much as you thought since there’s no much evidence and besides your guilty conscience won’t let you off the hook that easy. Never mind that you may or may not be the one at fault. Okay, I have veered off again. Back to my rant: All the while not realizing that you are of the buildup kind. You know, the basketball metaphor of pain.
Do you know pain and its siblings: hurt, sadness and their distant cousin anger. Those four feelings like huge bullies block the road as you are minding your business carrying your lunch box without a care in the world going where the wind takes you. They beat you, strip you of your lunch, your money, your books and shit they don’t even use like your hairpin and leave you stranded on the dusty path all the while wondering why you didn’t take the main road like your mother said while the other part of you is just grateful for life and breath.
Have you seen pain and its siblings: disgust, despair and its distant cousin: confusion. No matter how much you think you know, you still don’t. No matter how well you have it figured out, it’s still a mystery like that annoying last line of the Rubik’s cube that refuses to align except to those exceptional talent. In your disgust and confusion you angrily destroy the cube and a splinter enters your eye. Shock, fear and misery and rolled in one hits you like heavy rain falling while the sun is high. Oh my God! Oh my God!! Oh my God!!! My eye! I hope I have not blinded myself in my stupidity… I can’t write anything anymore obviously, I can’t see…